SONG: # One, two, three, four, five, six, take it down!
# Cue the pulse to begin
# Cue the pulse to begin. #
HARD INDUSTRIAL DANCE MUSIC THROBS
You fucked him? Wednesday.
And the hot Latino? Thursday.
Well, 'ole', Teddy. You are out of control!
Good evening, twats.
Would you kindly refrain from using derogatory references to women,
since they represent half my fanbase?
Have any hermaphrodites?
I don't think so.
Good. Go fuck yourself.
Anybody here worth doing?
No, sorry, Bri. Already done 'em.
Oh, we were up to Friday.
Oh, there's Friday.
Over there. The bossy bottom over there.
He's a bottom?!
Yeah. You should hear him sing 'Natural Woman'.
Better than Aretha, I might add.
You gotta gag 'em first, then fuck 'em!
You still have much to learn, dear boy.
Oh, my God, who's that?
DANCE MUSIC RISES
TED: I don't know, but I believe I have Sunday free...
Count on staying home and trimming your pubes.
I'll let him have this one.
SONG: # I feel sexy
# If you like it
# Don't just stand there, there, there, there, there
# Just stand there, there, there, there, there... #
BEN: Wow, Rage and J.T. are finally tying the knot!
It's about time, wouldn't you say?
Did they go to Toronto?
No, Massachupiter. It's a planet.
Unlike Pennsylvania, it's legal for gays to get married there.
Aha! So where do we buy our rocket ship tickets and zoom off?
Huh. I wish. (Chuckles)
Well, until we can,
we'll just live vicariously through our intrepid superheroes.
Well, let's hope that 5,000 readers -
no, what the hell, make it 10 - agree with you.
I'll get these out of your way.
You coming to our house-warming?
I wouldn't miss it!
It's gonna be a bad-ass blow-out.
What do you say we start early?
Mm-hm. Mmm.
(Both moan happily)
(Moans warningly)
Here he is!
Our wayward son.
Cool cover! Where you been?
I thought you were gonna be home by 6:00.
I was practising with my debating partner.
Whenever I used to tell my parents that, I was usually getting stoned.
When's the big event?
Uh, tomorrow afternoon.
It's in front of the whole school.
What's the topic? Capital punishment.
I'm all for it. I say fry the motherfuckers.
Now you see why we're so proud. (Laughs)
Now, what I'm about to show you may frighten small children,
so parents may want them to leave the room.
Scary, huh?
It's what I call the comb OVER...
..like Wally's, here.
But see how much hotter Wally looks
when he embraces his baldness?
Why, Wallace...
..is that a hickey?!
Go for it, tiger! Grr!
Alright, those are my hairdos and don'ts.
Next week, I'm waxing -
and I'm not talking about the kitchen floor!
OK, everybody.
Be fabulous!
Thanks, Queer Guy. That's it for tonight.
Hopefully, we'll be 'hair' tomorrow.
May all your news be good news. OUTRO MUSIC PLAYS
MAN: We're out.
Thank you so much.
That was fabulous! Yeah!
See, you've even got me doing it. Sorry, Don.
Sorry? Since you've been on the air, the ratings have gone up two points!
Now everybody wants the queer perspective.
Channel 9 has even hired a trannie weather...uh, person.
Well, let's just hope he...she...
can decide if it's gonna be rainy or fair!
Either way, your fans are gonna be lined up around the block
to see you tomorrow at Hoffman's!
So many in need, so little time.
And wait till you read your...
..fan mail.
Fan mail? For me?
Even people who hate fags love you.
CARL: Here you go, hon.
(Groans) Oh, thank you, Carl, but...
..honestly, I don't think I could keep it down.
(Sighs)
Are you still hurtin'? Mm-hm.
Poor baby.
Did you take what Dr McGrath prescribed?
That quack?!
He had me splitting corn to be served with orange sauce.
I mean, there are all these new diseases.
You know, damn doctors can't keep up with it.
Mmm.
What if it's mad cow, or that bird flu?
Come to think of it, a pigeon shit on my shoulder the other day -
I gotta remember to tell that to the new doctor.
New doctor?
I'm getting a second opinion.
Actually, it's more like a fourth.
OK, that's it.
Who you calling? The station.
I'm gonna take you. Carl, please, no!
It'll just make it worse, alright?
Thinking that I'm keeping you from work.
(Sighs)
You go solve a murder or two.
(Tuts) I wish I could solve this...
(Gasps) Gently! Gently.
OK, promise you'll call me as soon as you hear what the doctor says.
I promise.
Oh! (Groans)
It's OK, honey.
(Blows a kiss)
I'll be at Hoffman's department store today from 1:00 to 3:00
signing autographs, giving tips on how to be fabulous.
Be sure and stop by!
Oh, Teddy, I feel as if I finally found my calling,
that God has appointed me from above to do his work below.
Saint Emmett!
Patron saint of the fashion-impoverished,
the style-deprived....
You laugh, but there is something almost holy
about saving the thousands of walking disasters in this town.
(Chuckles)
Of which he is definitely not one.
Can you believe that guy?
Walked right by, didn't even recognise me.
But I recognise him.
Is he someone?
Oh, he's someone alright.
Pride, 2002.
We had amazing sex...
..at least, I thought so.
Then, the next day,
I met him at Woody's.
He told me once a year he finds some loser guy...
Like you. And I give him a break.
I give him...I give him me,
the fuck of his life.
You know, something he can remember,
much like a souvenir.
It's my way of giving back to the community.
Teddy, that was aeons ago!
Look at you now -
thin, gorgeous, guys falling all over you.
It was the single most humiliating experience of my life.
Everybody called me...
..Aunt Pityfuck.
Well, as painful as it may have been,
you just have to let it go.
Or get even.
I'm not gonna make him nervous!
I'll sit in the back, he won't even know I'm there.
I just wanna see him in action.
We'll stop by the store afterwards. I'll take you both to dinner.
Love.
(Mutters) Oh, God.
Callie?
It's Ben.
Mr Bruckner! I know - Hunter's dad.
I came to watch him debate.
Which way is the auditorium? Uh...
As you go in, it's on the right.
Ah.
(Laughs)
But I don't think there's a debate.
They've got a chorus practice.
(Laughs) Are you sure?
Is Hunter OK?
He hasn't been in school all week.
Oh, he's fine. I guess I must have misunderstood him.
This pink striped shirt will look fab under this jacket,
and...oh, oh, oh!
And see how this tie really makes it pop?
Frankly, I don't care what clothes Irwin wears.
He took your advice from the other night and shaved his head,
you know, he embraced his baldness.
Now I barely let him out of the bedroom!
I can't tell you how much it warms my heart
to know I'm keeping heteros horny!
(All laugh) OK.
Alright, be back in five! It's tinkle time!
(All chuckle) WOMAN: 'Bye!
You are a superstar! Oh, shh.
Look at this crowd!
Yeah, second only to when the Stones played Three Rivers Stadium.
Brian!
I can't tell you what it means that you'd show up to support me.
Well...needed socks.
Don't pay any attention to him. He's as proud of you as we are.
Aren't you? (Laughs)
Yeah, it's an honour to count among our close personal friends
television's latest gay eunuch.
Excuse me?
You know, as in non-sexual, non-threatening...
Ball-less.
You do homage to a long and illustrious line
of lovable, laughable clowns who've come before you.
Why, just look at all these people!
They're my fans.
They adore me.
Because you're so cute!
But do you think they'd still adore you
if they knew you took it up the ass and liked it?
Like I said, Brian -
I can't tell you what it means that you'd show up to support me.
Any time.
I just love you. You're so cute!
Thank you. Thank you. Ma'am, step back, please.
He's been lying to us?
I'm sure there's a reason.
I didn't say a good reason.
But I thought he trusted us, that, you know,
he told us everything!
Did you tell your mother everything when you were 17?
I didn't have to. There were hidden monitors in every room.
She had a homing device implanted in my brain soon after birth -
it's the only explanation how she automatically knew.
Here...here he comes.
Now, let's try not to let our emotions run amok.
That's easy for you to say -
you come from a long line of repressed alcoholics.
(Scoffs)
Sorry I'm late. I was in debate club.
This week's topic is... 'Secrets and lies'?
We know you haven't been in school all week.
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES
Better.
Would you just leave me the fuck alone?
I told you, I don't want to talk about it.
We have to talk about it. We wanna help you.
You can't help me. Nobody can help me. It's too late.
It's never too late.
I know it's been a tough few weeks...
Try years.
OK. OK, but there's gotta be a solution.
I can't go back to that school.
Everybody just stares at me like I'm a piece of shit,
and when they do, that's how I feel.
You're not a piece of shit!
You're a brave, smart, funny, wonderful person.
And you're our son! And we love you!
And you don't have to lie to us. We know what you're going through.
You have no idea.
FOOTSTEPS RECEDE, DOOR SLAMS
How about a barbecue grill?
Or maybe fireplace tools.
What do you think?
I think if you don't stop talking about
their goddamn house-warming gift,
I'm gonna burn their fucking place down.
Another round. What's your problem?
I have no problem.
I am problem-less.
A problem-free zone.
Then help me pick something out.
(Sighs)
(Laughs humourlessly) A hands-free toilet.
"It senses you are there and automatically flushes."
Yeah!
300 bucks down the crapper.
Are you gonna tell me what's wrong?
No.
Fine.
(Tuts) Anyway.
You wouldn't understand.
I'll show you my SAT scores.
You're too young.
Compared to who?
'Whom'. You?
That hot guy I followed into the back room the other night?
What about him?
When I went for his cock...
(Laughs) Never mind.
Would you just say it?
My hand...
Your hand...
What?
(Scoffs)
If it's any comfort, you're still the hottest guy in Pittsburgh.
Now help me out here. We can't show up without a gift.
I'm not going to their fucking party.
Why not?
Because I'm going to a FUCKING party.
GROANING AND YELLING
Stop it! It hurts!
Come on, Carl, take it like a man.
(Groans and grunts) Jesus, you're killing me!
What the hell's going on?
Arggh! (Sighs in relief)
Carl's letting me practise waxing his back for an upcoming segment.
Christ.
I thought you were practising something else.
OK, that's it. I...I've had it.
You're only half-waxed.
Yeah, and if you go down any further, I'll be half-assed.
How about you, Deb? You want me to give you a landing strip?
Thanks, but I prefer to keep the entire airport.
You got a temperature?
No. Damn it!
What did the new doctor say?
He said I'm dying... of perfect health.
Wise-ass.
Maybe this will bring down my fever.
You just said you don't have a fever.
That's what the thermometer said. I know I'm burning up.
Deb, do you...think I'm physically attractive?
You know...sexy?
Well...
Keeping in mind that I'm a heterosexual woman of a certain age,
and you're queer as they come...
..fuck, yeah.
Good.
Because Brian said the only reason people like the Queer Guy
is because I'm non-threatening, sexless, a...eunuch.
What the fuck's he know?
Actually, a lot.
Yeah? Well, he's wrong.
Hell, you have more sex than anyone I know.
Except me, of course...
..since Carl moved in.
Let's face it, honey,
most viewers don't want to think about gays having sex.
I mean, the thought of two guys kissing -
much less, um...you know, taking it up the ass -
it just makes them uncomfortable.
Brian said that too.
Well, you know something?
It's time they got over it.
Mind spotting me?
Sure.
Don't I know you?
I don't think so.
I'm Troy.
Teddy.
Hey, I know where I know you from.
You do?
South Beach, right?
We hooked up.
Nope. Never been there.
Oh.
Well, would you like to?
Go to South Beach?
Hook up.
Sure.
And in our research we've found
that once a woman reaches the age of 35,
she's all but invisible to most men.
And you want to make them visible again.
Or at least make them think that they can be.
Our new anti-ageing cream offers hope,
more confidence and a few less wrinkles.
All we need is a brilliant campaign and a perfect product name.
Um... Sure I can come up with something.
You men are so damn lucky you never have to worry about such things.
Don't be so sure.
Visible.
What?
That's the name of your new product.
Visible? Mmm.
I like that.
Visible.
Hey, you came up with it.
You just didn't know it.
Would you excuse me for a minute? Mm-hm.
FUNKY MUSIC
(Clears throat)
Aren't you glad your asshole parents worked through their shit?
(Coos) Yes.
'Cause now Grandma can hold you
without one of them thinking I'm a goddamn traitor.
(Cries) That's right. Ohh.
Boy, you sure know how to sweet-talk a baby, Deb.
I'm just glad it all worked out.
Yeah. We'll see.
Hey, Kiki, where the fuck's my check?
I already grew tits. You want me to grow another hand?
Boy, things aren't quite the same around here since you left.
Boy, so I notice.
MAN: Excuse me. Miss. MAN 2: This is cold.
I don't know.
The way I've been feeling lately, I barely have the energy to crawl here.
Have you been to see a...
Five of them. All claim to have degrees.
Not one of them says they can tell me what's wrong.
Hey, can we get a menu?
I asked for cream.
Where's my fucking lunch?
Your food is up.
Ohh.
I'm a trannie on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Sit down. Calm your nerves.
FUNKY MUSIC
That's the fish and chips with slaw, the turkey burger with fries.
Here are your menus. Specials are on the board.
Two percent. It's better for you than cream.
Deb, I think I know what's wrong with you.
Yeah?
BFM.
BFM?
It sounds serious.
What is it?
Bored out of your fucking mind.
Mmm.
Listen up, straight boys.
Take a tip from the Queer Guy.
Wearing these will not get you where you wanna go.
Comprenez-vous?
These, however,
will definitely generate a little friction.
I know because they happen to be my very own pair.
They set off your nice tight... assets.
And notice the pouch in the crotch.
If you need a little help, you can stuff a sock or hamster in there.
I certainly don't need the cavalry to come to my rescue.
My cup is filled to the rim.
Which leads us to another topic.
But not tonight.
I'm the Queer Guy. Be fabulous.
Thank you, Queer Guy, for that brief report.
That's the news. We'll be back at 11:00.
MAN: We're out.
I thought you told me you were gonna talk about hair-waxing.
Well, yeah, waxing is vital, but it's not sexy.
Sexy? Who wants sexy?
Don, you've only been married a few weeks
and already you can make a statement like that?
You may need counselling.
And you may need unemployment insurance.
What?
Don't ever show us your... shorts again.
It's just underwear.
You don't have to air them in public.
And no-one wants to know that you have a tight...
Ass?
Or a big... Dick?
And that you... Fuck?
Well, here's a piece of news for you - I do.
Well, from now on, stick to cooking and flowers
and turning straight guys into metrosexuals,
and leave your sex life offscreen.
Get McGregor on the phone now.
MAN: We could turn off the back light, yeah.
You can stay for at least an hour.
I told you, I'm making a special guest appearance
then I'm out of here.
It's for Michael.
He should understand better than anyone.
The first rule of going to a sex party is don't come late,
otherwise you may not come at all.
Well, that certainly gives new meaning to
"the early bird catches the worm."
Hi. I'm glad you could come.
It's all I've been living for.
Happy house-warming.
Is it a harness and paddle to go with the sling?
No. I picked this one.
You guys have done a great job.
Oh, we're not through.
Trust me, you're never through.
All it takes is time.
And money.
Yeah, tell me about it.
OK, say something for posterity.
I'm fucking starving.
(All laugh)
Oh. Shit.
It's OK, Deb, I wanted something for posterity.
Um... (Clears throat)
Posterity.
Now, let's see.
I'm very proud of you both
and I wish you all the health and happiness in the world
in your beautiful new home.
How's that?
Perfect.
It's amazing what the gays have done with this neighbourhood.
It used to be whorehouses and bookie joints.
I know. I used to hang out here all the time.
Really? DOORBELL RINGS
When I was a beat cop.
I'll get it.
Hi. Come on in.
Hey, honey bun.
Thanks for inviting me,
even though...I mean...
We're still family, aren't we?
Happy new house.
Thanks. Do you mind if I show her off?
Be my guest.
Everyone, meet my beautiful daughter.
ALL: Aww.
Hi, baby.
Ah, look who it is.
First I'm gonna give him the fucking of his life
and then I'm gonna give him the mindfucking of his life.
I'm gonna say, "Once I was your pity fuck,
"but tonight you're mine, you arrogant asshole."
(Laughs) Speaking of which...
Aren't you two aunties gonna go ooh and ahh over the baby?
Caught your underpants on the news the other night.
You saving your dick for sweeps?
My producer happened to think it was a terrific segment.
Yeah, he said it was about time
we saw gay people as full sexualised human beings,
not just stereotypic eunuchs and clowns.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Your daughter's a hit.
Hmm. I'd say so.
I'm glad you came.
Mmm... For no other reason, I'm starving.
Makes me think of our house-warming.
Huh.
If anyone needs proof that toilets are controlled by cosmic forces...
Why else would they break down 10 minutes before the guests showed up?
100 dykes peeing in the backyard.
The bushes in the bushes.
(Both laugh)
GLASSES CLINK
Everybody... Could we have your attention?
We'd just like to welcome all of you to our new home.
Beautiful new home.
And we look forward to sharing many happy family occasions here together.
(All cheer) Hear, hear.
Happy family occasions.
We also have another reason to celebrate tonight.
Rage and J.T. are getting married.
It's about time those two superheroes settled down.
When do they start raising a superfamily?
That's next.
Got a copy for everyone. Our little house-warming gift to you.
MAN: Thank you.
Here you go, Brian.
Here you are.
Do you like it?
It reminds me of this Norman Rockwell
I saw in the doctor's office when I was a kid.
A little girl and boy dressed as bride and groom
and their adorable puppy tugging on the bridal gown.
Just then the nurse came in and stabbed me in the finger for blood.
And you've had an aversion to marriage ever since?
Well, I happen to think it's a damn good story.
Just because it doesn't agree with your anti-family values
is no reason to dump on it.
OK.
Let's get the whole family.
How do you work this thing?
Good idea. I'll get Jerry, you get Hunter.
OK.
Hey, pal. We're taking a video of the whole family. Care to join us?
What do you want me for?
TECHNO MUSIC
If a better offer comes along...
That'll be $5.25.
Thanks.
Another satisfied customer.
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES
You know, you say that every time you sell one.
I do? Well, it must be true.
We've sold 536 copies on the website and almost 200 here in the store.
Those are all we have left.
Everybody loves that J.T. finally got his man.
Yeah. Everyone but you know who.
Yeah, I do know who.
Well?
Well, what did you expect?
What did I expect?
That life might imitate art.
I've heard it's been known to happen.
Ah, how could I have been suckered in to my own fantasy?
Talk about pathetic.
Nobody on earth knows better than I do
that unless he were genetically altered by some nuclear mishap,
that could never happen.
Not a bad story.
Mm. But that's all it is. It's a story.
DOOR OPENS
Do you have the new issue of 'Rage'?
This is totally awesome.
Another satisfied customer.
(Groans)
Well, I think the house has been officially warmed,
wouldn't you say?
Great party, huh?
Everybody seemed to have a good time.
Yeah.
If you call Melanie and Lindsay declaring a cease-fire,
Brian leaving to go to a sex party
and you and Michael sticking that fucking camera in my face,
pretending we're this happy family,
having a good time.
We're not pretending. We are.
You're gonna get through this.
I promise.
Fuck your false hope.
The world's a stinking shit-hole.
Well, I don't think Sartre could have said it any better.
Who?
Listen, I found a great charter school.
They have a waiting list a mile long
but a professor in my department is on the board,
so I pulled a few strings...
Why even bother? Huh?
They'll just find out there, too,
and then it will start all over again.
So what's the point of my going to another fucking school?!
(Sighs)
I haven't been here since you left.
Somehow, it's not the same.
Yeah.
Neither am I.
Carl?
Honey, I found out what's wrong with me.
I just want you to know...
..that whatever it is...
(Sighs)
..I'm in this for the long haul.
I'll stand by you. I'm not going anywhere.
I know that, sweetheart. That's why I love you.
OK. Tell me. No, wait.
Wait.
OK. Tell me.
First of all,
it's not a physical thing.
Oh! Ooh!
That's a relief.
Then, what?
It's hard to explain.
Ever since I left here, I've felt lost.
I've no place to go,
I got nothing to do but sit at home
and buy lots of shit that I don't want off TV.
That's what a lady of leisure's supposed to do.
I mean, you know, relax, enjoy yourself
and be glad you don't have to work.
It's funny. I never thought of it as work.
All those long, hard hours, on your feet...
..juggling plates.
To me, it was more like a dance.
And I was the prima ballerina.
This is not exactly the, uh...
..Royal Ballet of Pittsburgh.
But it's my job.
No, it's more than a job.
It's who I am.
And I want it back.
(Sighs)
I-I was just...
..trying to make it easier on...on you.
But...if this'll make you happy...
(Laughs)
..like I said, I'll stand by you.
Uh, I'm not going anywhere.
Thank you, Carl.
Now, you sure you're OK with this?
100% sure.
Good.
'Cause my shift started five minutes ago.
(Laughs)
So...
..what'll it be?
(Carl laughs)
(Moans) (Grunts)
(Laughs)
Ah!
Whoo!
That was hot!
(Pants)
Think so?
Yeah.
(Opens bin)
You know, I've been here before.
Oh?
I mean, in this building.
Fucked some poor loser.
Yeah, well, the place is crawling with them.
Believe me, I know.
(Laughs) Hmm.
One of my pity fucks.
Yeah, speaking of pity fucks...
You know,
when we first hooked up at the gym, I wasn't sure.
That I was your type?
That you'd be so...hot.
But, man, are you ever.
Look.
I'm still hard.
You up for another round?
Actually, there's something I want to say to you.
That you want to roll me over and fuck me again?
What I want to...
..what I want to say to...to you...
..is, uh...
Roll over.
Oh, yeah.
Michael, we can't force him to go to school.
Of course we can. We're his parents. Hell, he's only 17.
You can quit school when you're 16.
Besides, if we pressure him, we'll only push him away more.
He's got to finish high school
so he can go to college and become a doctor and a lawyer
and President of the United States.
What was that for?
The eternal optimist. That's why I love you.
Now, let's just give him some time and some space
and, hopefully, he'll come to the right decision.
Oh. Hey, I was just about to call you for dinner.
But just 'cause I said we're having sloppy joes
doesn't mean we're gonna go camping.
Going somewhere? Yeah.
Well, uh, eat first and don't be out too late.
I mean, I'm leaving.
For good.
What do you mean you're...
I can't stay here anymore, OK?
No. It's not OK.
Now, put your things away
and sit down and eat
and, afterwards, we'll discuss this.
We've already discussed it. There's nothing left to say.
Well, I said you're not going anywhere and that's final.
Hey, Michael! Michael. What? He can't just leave!
We're his parents, for Christ's sake, whether he likes it or not.
We're his legal guardians. What we say goes.
Hunter, nothing's gonna be solved by running away.
I don't belong here! I don't belong in this house.
I don't belong at that school!
And I don't belong with you! Of course you belong with us.
I'll only go on causing you problems. Embarrassing you.
You don't embarrass us. We're proud of you.
This is not the debate team.
There's no argument here except...
..do you want apple sauce or canned peaches?
Hunter!
I don't care if I have to lock you in your fucking room!
Where are you gonna go? I don't know.
Do you have any money?
What you and Michael gave me for my birthday.
No plan, no money - perfect. How do you intend to support yourself?
I'll think of something. I bet you will.
Hey...
If you need more, call us.
What the fuck are you doing?
Hunter, wait.
Just put it in your shoe or some place safe.
DOOR CLOSES
Hot or not?
It's hot.
Now, that's what I call resounding approval.
By the way, we sold out every last copy of the marriage issue.
And we got orders for over 300 more.
Well, if not having any balls
is what it takes to be a gay superhero these days,
I'd warn Rage to get the hell out of Gayopolis.
You know, if you didn't stay out all night, fucking,
maybe you wouldn't be so cranky.
Who said I was fucking?
You?! I'm sure there must have been someone.
Yeah. And somebody else got him.
Finally, some competition.
I don't think you get it.
What, that someone rejected you?
Got the prime piece of meat? It happens to everyone.
One little gesture.
Easily overlooked.
(Groans)
But the meaning is clear. It's started.
It's begun.
COATHANGERS CLATTER
Ah! (Clears throat)
How about this one?
(Sighs)
You know, when I was in L.A., fucking around, it was fun and all.
But when I came back here
and you said the offer still stands and to put my stuff in the drawer...
..I was hoping it meant we were finally going to be a real couple.
Like Michael and Ben.
One day we might have the things they have.
A house.
Maybe even a family.
How's this?
"Hot."
'GOING NOWHERE' BY CUT COPY PLAYS